Tasteful tabloid delights thousands with diversity scheme

Britain's most impartial and balanced newspaper has today spearheaded a national campaign to promote tolerance and equality by letting a severely disabled man pen one of it's lead articles.

Rod Liddle - whose brains are tragically missing - was allowed to write whatever he wanted, as long as it did not contain anything which could be mistaken for factual accuracy and any figures mentioned were plucked out of thin air. The paper's editor explained how the piece came about:

Rod has been a friend of ours for years. After David Cameron came and personally closed down the local community centre he goes to, he had nothing to do and lacked stimulation. Then one day I was chatting to him and he mentioned he's always loved inciting hatred and looking at pictures of tits, which is when I got the idea to let him write something for us. With our help, he constructed the article by cutting his favourite words out of various magazines. He then gave the words to a chimp, who later that afternoon picked them at random from a top hat. We did the rest.

Mr Liddle suffers from T.W.A.T., a progressive disorder which causes the front, back, and sidal lobes of the brain to collapse under the weight of their own ignorance. The skull is then hollowed out using a ladle, and packed with bubble wrap.

You can read the finished article here

Brave Face For Cameron As Morals Clash With Job

David Cameron is set to undergo a gruelling schedule of shaking hands and saying things in a fresh attempt to make it look like he cares about something other than rich people.

The Prime Minister has promised to use the media to rail against his former school chums salaries until the next big budget natural disaster or celebrity sex feast makes everyone forget about it.

The bonuses - usually doled out in crisp, used fifties and given for things including correctly writing 'boobs' on a calculator and sitting quietly in the office until home time - were introduced as standard practice long before the Tories failed to win the last election and are generally seen as 'perfectly reasonable' by politicians who benefit from them financially.

Speaking outside Downing Street, where he was re-heating a pot noodle for Vince Cable, Mr Cameron explained:

The days ahead are going to be difficult for Britain as I really, really like bonuses and giving rich people money they don't need - especially close personal friends. But, if I go on Andrew Marr and phone up The Telegraph and say things like 'It needs sorting out' over and over, I'm pretty sure I can have you lot convinced by the time X Factor starts accepting applicants again.

Cameron, a reformed Moomin, is the first television actor to occupy the highest seat in Government since Meryl Streep fled the 1980's over 20 years ago. She has since been spotted in various films, including an Abba promo for assisted suicide and that Nazi one with all the crying.