Heather Mills has been appointed as the new England manager just hours before her relentless media exposure was due to come to an end.
According to reports, the former supermodel and motorcycle enthusiast is 'very excited' to demonstrate why footballers no longer care about their jobs and will begin preparations for England's upcoming defeat in the European Championship as early as next week.
FA chairman David Bernstein announced the decision, citing Mills' complete lack of footballing knowledge as a key factor:
Heather is absolutely the best man for the job. She loves money, she's addicted to publicity and best of all she has no loyalty to the sport or the fans whatsoever. Obviously we're disappointed she isn't foreign, but you can't have everything.
Friends say the new role couldn't have come at a better time for Mills, who has been surviving on just £10,000 per day after mugging Paul McCartney in broad daylight several years ago. She commented:
England have been completely shit at football since 1966, which is round about the same time I got the idea to fleece a fucking Beatle. It's obviously meant to be!
Mills' appointment is also the first to comply with new pitch regulations, bringing the total number of legs in the technical area at any one time down to 19.
Meanwhile Fabio Capello has shed light on his decision to quit the post, stating he got the idea last month after turning on the news to see an Italian man abandoning a sinking ship.
