Britain's most impartial and balanced newspaper has today spearheaded a national campaign to promote tolerance and equality by letting a severely disabled man pen one of it's lead articles.
Rod Liddle - whose brains are tragically missing - was allowed to write whatever he wanted, as long as it did not contain anything which could be mistaken for factual accuracy and any figures mentioned were plucked out of thin air. The paper's editor explained how the piece came about:
Rod has been a friend of ours for years. After David Cameron came and personally closed down the local community centre he goes to, he had nothing to do and lacked stimulation. Then one day I was chatting to him and he mentioned he's always loved inciting hatred and looking at pictures of tits, which is when I got the idea to let him write something for us. With our help, he constructed the article by cutting his favourite words out of various magazines. He then gave the words to a chimp, who later that afternoon picked them at random from a top hat. We did the rest.
Mr Liddle suffers from T.W.A.T., a progressive disorder which causes the front, back, and sidal lobes of the brain to collapse under the weight of their own ignorance. The skull is then hollowed out using a ladle, and packed with bubble wrap.
You can read the finished article here
Thursday, 26 January 2012
Saturday, 7 January 2012
Brave Face For Cameron As Morals Clash With Job
David Cameron is set to undergo a gruelling schedule of shaking hands and saying things in a fresh attempt to make it look like he cares about something other than rich people.
The Prime Minister has promised to use the media to rail against his former school chums salaries until the next big budget natural disaster or celebrity sex feast makes everyone forget about it.
The bonuses - usually doled out in crisp, used fifties and given for things including correctly writing 'boobs' on a calculator and sitting quietly in the office until home time - were introduced as standard practice long before the Tories failed to win the last election and are generally seen as 'perfectly reasonable' by politicians who benefit from them financially.
Speaking outside Downing Street, where he was re-heating a pot noodle for Vince Cable, Mr Cameron explained:
The days ahead are going to be difficult for Britain as I really, really like bonuses and giving rich people money they don't need - especially close personal friends. But, if I go on Andrew Marr and phone up The Telegraph and say things like 'It needs sorting out' over and over, I'm pretty sure I can have you lot convinced by the time X Factor starts accepting applicants again.
Cameron, a reformed Moomin, is the first television actor to occupy the highest seat in Government since Meryl Streep fled the 1980's over 20 years ago. She has since been spotted in various films, including an Abba promo for assisted suicide and that Nazi one with all the crying.
The Prime Minister has promised to use the media to rail against his former school chums salaries until the next big budget natural disaster or celebrity sex feast makes everyone forget about it.
The bonuses - usually doled out in crisp, used fifties and given for things including correctly writing 'boobs' on a calculator and sitting quietly in the office until home time - were introduced as standard practice long before the Tories failed to win the last election and are generally seen as 'perfectly reasonable' by politicians who benefit from them financially.
Speaking outside Downing Street, where he was re-heating a pot noodle for Vince Cable, Mr Cameron explained:
The days ahead are going to be difficult for Britain as I really, really like bonuses and giving rich people money they don't need - especially close personal friends. But, if I go on Andrew Marr and phone up The Telegraph and say things like 'It needs sorting out' over and over, I'm pretty sure I can have you lot convinced by the time X Factor starts accepting applicants again.
Cameron, a reformed Moomin, is the first television actor to occupy the highest seat in Government since Meryl Streep fled the 1980's over 20 years ago. She has since been spotted in various films, including an Abba promo for assisted suicide and that Nazi one with all the crying.
Wednesday, 28 December 2011
Clegg 'moving to Bebo' in 2012
Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg has revealed he is tearfully close to shutting down his Facebook account in the new year and setting up a page on Bebo instead.
In his emotional Christmas message, the ashen faced millionaire defended the move as a reaction to the new Facebook Timeline and a dramatic drop in friend requests since 2010. Speaking from inside a disused steel mill in his recently abandoned constituency of Sheffield Hallam, he explained:
When I recorded this message last year I had so many Facebook friends I was reaching the limit, and getting new requests every day - even some from students I was openly planning to betray. Now when I scroll down the list there's just Thatcher and Paddy Ashdowns cat. It's time to move forward.
Mr Cleggs wife, who is Spanish and hotter than yours, then stepped in to describe how Bebo has a younger demographic than other social networking sites and therefore using it would make it 'much easier' for her husband to figure out how to really shaft the next generation.
After changing ties several times on camera and referring to the cataclysmic national hatred he now experiences - which has its own Myspace - the MP concluded:
I don't know why so many of you unfriended me. It's probably because I formed a massively unstable coalition with a completely unsuitable political party, created a moral vacuum, totally fucked up the country and greatly increased the chances of an actual apocalypse next year.
He then added: Is it that? Christ, you people are sensitive. I'm only trying to make more money.
In his emotional Christmas message, the ashen faced millionaire defended the move as a reaction to the new Facebook Timeline and a dramatic drop in friend requests since 2010. Speaking from inside a disused steel mill in his recently abandoned constituency of Sheffield Hallam, he explained:
When I recorded this message last year I had so many Facebook friends I was reaching the limit, and getting new requests every day - even some from students I was openly planning to betray. Now when I scroll down the list there's just Thatcher and Paddy Ashdowns cat. It's time to move forward.
Mr Cleggs wife, who is Spanish and hotter than yours, then stepped in to describe how Bebo has a younger demographic than other social networking sites and therefore using it would make it 'much easier' for her husband to figure out how to really shaft the next generation.
After changing ties several times on camera and referring to the cataclysmic national hatred he now experiences - which has its own Myspace - the MP concluded:
I don't know why so many of you unfriended me. It's probably because I formed a massively unstable coalition with a completely unsuitable political party, created a moral vacuum, totally fucked up the country and greatly increased the chances of an actual apocalypse next year.
He then added: Is it that? Christ, you people are sensitive. I'm only trying to make more money.
Sunday, 11 December 2011
Rich Cat To Sort Out Europe
An Italian moggy will use his newfound windfall to secure a place in the EU and railroad the fucking lot of them, it has emerged.
Tommasino, a third generation Mafia kingpin who inherited nearly £10 million after his owner got animals and humans mixed up, has insisted the time has finally come for suspiciously wealthy domestic pets to be given a voice in the political arena.
Speaking last night at the opening of a new tin of cat food, the former stray told reporters: ‘I’ve always wanted to go to a summit in Brussels and organise the whole thing properly, but it’s been either full up or I’ve not had the capital. Now I can just buy my way in’.
French President Nicolas Sarkozy welcomed the news, admitting that although they were trying really really hard, the member states had ‘literally no idea’ how to run a complex crime syndicate like The European Union effectively. It is hoped that the influence of Tommasino will help strengthen stability in key areas such as money laundering, extortion, and beating up countries you don’t like the look of.
The over ambitious feline has denied allegations of bribery, amid reports that he threatened to shit all over the new carpets in the lobby unless at least half of the members sign a treaty declaring Tony The Tiger the new God.
Meanwhile, David Cameron dramatically took Britain out of the EU on Thursday night after a five year old from Pontefract pointed out how he could destroy the country much faster by doing exactly the opposite of what is best for it.
Tommasino, a third generation Mafia kingpin who inherited nearly £10 million after his owner got animals and humans mixed up, has insisted the time has finally come for suspiciously wealthy domestic pets to be given a voice in the political arena.
Speaking last night at the opening of a new tin of cat food, the former stray told reporters: ‘I’ve always wanted to go to a summit in Brussels and organise the whole thing properly, but it’s been either full up or I’ve not had the capital. Now I can just buy my way in’.
French President Nicolas Sarkozy welcomed the news, admitting that although they were trying really really hard, the member states had ‘literally no idea’ how to run a complex crime syndicate like The European Union effectively. It is hoped that the influence of Tommasino will help strengthen stability in key areas such as money laundering, extortion, and beating up countries you don’t like the look of.
The over ambitious feline has denied allegations of bribery, amid reports that he threatened to shit all over the new carpets in the lobby unless at least half of the members sign a treaty declaring Tony The Tiger the new God.
Meanwhile, David Cameron dramatically took Britain out of the EU on Thursday night after a five year old from Pontefract pointed out how he could destroy the country much faster by doing exactly the opposite of what is best for it.
Saturday, 10 December 2011
Homeless lemur revealed as Reality TV reject
A lemur who was discovered sleeping rough on Tooting Common earlier this week has been outed as a former hopeful on Britain’s leading cultural extinction initiative.
Julien King - who was found at 3am on Tuesday morning by a local resident engaging in completely legal activities - was at first thought to be evening wear accidentally discarded by the wife of Prime Minister David Cameron. It was later confirmed by paramedics that the delusional primate had been living on the streets for some time after failing to secure a spot on the X Factor live final.
Mark Bossley, head of the Immigration Department at Blue Cross animal hospital, said ‘When they first brought him in I thought it was just another typical midweek customer, you know. A fox who’d overdone it on a stag do, or maybe a badger on crack pissing around with glitter and spray paint. We get a lot of that at Christmas. It wasn’t ‘til I saw him practising vocal scales on a Fisher Price miniature keyboard that I recognised him from the boot camp bit on telly and realised who we were dealing with’.
Louis Walsh, who is one of the X Factors main judges and the highest paid Leprechaun on television, issued the following statement on behalf of the show:
We’re deeply saddened to hear about Julien and remember him with great affection. As soon as he came into the audition process there was something different about him, he was original, there was that spark of real talent there. So obviously he had to immediately leave the competition. We kept his voting line open for a few weeks afterwards though, which paid for my new car.
Mr King is now recovering at Do You Know What It Is Yet, the rehab clinic founded by Rolf Harris which caters exclusively for animals most people have never heard of. He is reportedly considering a career advertising insurance. Meanwhile, tabloid articles claiming he can regularly be found cruising Wimbledon Common for oral sex with a Womble have been dismissed as ‘pure speculation‘ by a solicitor.
The X Factor final will be broadcast live this weekend from the London Horrordome, and is expected to be barely tolerated by over half a billion people.
Julien King - who was found at 3am on Tuesday morning by a local resident engaging in completely legal activities - was at first thought to be evening wear accidentally discarded by the wife of Prime Minister David Cameron. It was later confirmed by paramedics that the delusional primate had been living on the streets for some time after failing to secure a spot on the X Factor live final.
Mark Bossley, head of the Immigration Department at Blue Cross animal hospital, said ‘When they first brought him in I thought it was just another typical midweek customer, you know. A fox who’d overdone it on a stag do, or maybe a badger on crack pissing around with glitter and spray paint. We get a lot of that at Christmas. It wasn’t ‘til I saw him practising vocal scales on a Fisher Price miniature keyboard that I recognised him from the boot camp bit on telly and realised who we were dealing with’.
Louis Walsh, who is one of the X Factors main judges and the highest paid Leprechaun on television, issued the following statement on behalf of the show:
We’re deeply saddened to hear about Julien and remember him with great affection. As soon as he came into the audition process there was something different about him, he was original, there was that spark of real talent there. So obviously he had to immediately leave the competition. We kept his voting line open for a few weeks afterwards though, which paid for my new car.
Mr King is now recovering at Do You Know What It Is Yet, the rehab clinic founded by Rolf Harris which caters exclusively for animals most people have never heard of. He is reportedly considering a career advertising insurance. Meanwhile, tabloid articles claiming he can regularly be found cruising Wimbledon Common for oral sex with a Womble have been dismissed as ‘pure speculation‘ by a solicitor.
The X Factor final will be broadcast live this weekend from the London Horrordome, and is expected to be barely tolerated by over half a billion people.
Tuesday, 9 August 2011
Something Fine - rambling thoughts on the riots
When presented with an inescapably relevent situation, certain people are hardwired to ignore our more pragmatic response mechanisms and instead look immediately to the purest reflection on the human condition - art - as a way to examine current circumstance. Nietzsche once said ‘We have art, so as not to die from the truth’ but I think the opposite might be true.
When you endure or witness anything, whether intensely personal or impacting on the wider world that shifts your internal consciousness somehow, the linking of that experience to something in the creative realm - a passage from a book, a character in a film, a scene from a painting - is a way of searching for truth rather than masking it. If life is just a mirror we hold up to our origin, then every artistic endeavour we undertake is another shard of glass we hope will finally complete the reflection.
So it followed that when I read about the continued rioting this morning, I thought of a line in a song. There are plenty of obvious lines from obvious songs to pick from - I Predict A Riot, Guns Of Brixton, Whats Going On, etc - but I didn’t think of those. The song that came to mind for me was by Jackson Browne. It’s called Something Fine, and can be found on his eponymous debut album from 1972. From a distance it might seem an odd choice to relate this quiet folk song to the tumultuous social unrest of the past few days, but as I watched the scenes of looters coming together to inflict violence and stamp their misguided presence on the world, I instantly heard the following line in my head: California shaking like an angry child will, who has asked for love and is unanswered still. To me, that single statement strikes at the heart of the issue of this trouble - the rioters, rather than the riots - more directly than any hastily assembsled political soundbite could ever hope to.
Were the police acting unlawfully when they shot Mark Duggan? Maybe they were, maybe they weren’t. Only those who were actually there will ever know. But those who caused destruction these past few days weren’t doing so out of a sense of moral outrage. Perhaps, in the beginning, those who saw the spark of an uprising may have attached their very real fear of and disappointment in this government to it. The ongoing chain of events does however point to a bigger problem as encapsulated in the words of Jackson - the young kids commiting these acts are essentially angry children, who have asked for love and remain unanswered, bending any sense of genuine injustice into an excuse to violently vent their rage.
Tolerence, compassion, openness, kindness, humilty, humour, - these are the things that we would see more of in the world were they not already so lacking. Call me a hippy, but I don’t think a five year old child taught well in these principals would be throwing a brick through a shop window to nab a new TV twenty years later.
When you endure or witness anything, whether intensely personal or impacting on the wider world that shifts your internal consciousness somehow, the linking of that experience to something in the creative realm - a passage from a book, a character in a film, a scene from a painting - is a way of searching for truth rather than masking it. If life is just a mirror we hold up to our origin, then every artistic endeavour we undertake is another shard of glass we hope will finally complete the reflection.
So it followed that when I read about the continued rioting this morning, I thought of a line in a song. There are plenty of obvious lines from obvious songs to pick from - I Predict A Riot, Guns Of Brixton, Whats Going On, etc - but I didn’t think of those. The song that came to mind for me was by Jackson Browne. It’s called Something Fine, and can be found on his eponymous debut album from 1972. From a distance it might seem an odd choice to relate this quiet folk song to the tumultuous social unrest of the past few days, but as I watched the scenes of looters coming together to inflict violence and stamp their misguided presence on the world, I instantly heard the following line in my head: California shaking like an angry child will, who has asked for love and is unanswered still. To me, that single statement strikes at the heart of the issue of this trouble - the rioters, rather than the riots - more directly than any hastily assembsled political soundbite could ever hope to.
Were the police acting unlawfully when they shot Mark Duggan? Maybe they were, maybe they weren’t. Only those who were actually there will ever know. But those who caused destruction these past few days weren’t doing so out of a sense of moral outrage. Perhaps, in the beginning, those who saw the spark of an uprising may have attached their very real fear of and disappointment in this government to it. The ongoing chain of events does however point to a bigger problem as encapsulated in the words of Jackson - the young kids commiting these acts are essentially angry children, who have asked for love and remain unanswered, bending any sense of genuine injustice into an excuse to violently vent their rage.
Tolerence, compassion, openness, kindness, humilty, humour, - these are the things that we would see more of in the world were they not already so lacking. Call me a hippy, but I don’t think a five year old child taught well in these principals would be throwing a brick through a shop window to nab a new TV twenty years later.
Friday, 1 July 2011
U2 at Glastonbury 2011 - the show that could have been
In the week that has passed since U2 headlined Glastonbury, I've watched the performance several times over. I am a massive fan of this band and was really looking forward to their set. However, I'm also convinced they dropped the ball last friday and missed a massive opportunity to silence their (many) detractors.
They had a chance to pull off something unique, to genuinely evoke the original spirit of a pre-corporate Glastonbury and come out fighting as a bare bones, back to basics punk band - a brand new outfit who somehow ended up with a Pyramid Stage headline slot and 34 years of hits behind them.
There were flashes of that spirit at times which is what made the show good, but not enough to make it great. What prevailed for me was a sense of a band who had no idea how to play to a festival crowd, and who've become used to playing for audiences who are perhaps too ready to idolise and indulge them.
There was so much more that could've been made of their 90 minutes on stage. Without the gigantatron staging of the ever rolling 360 tour, there was the nervous energy of a band once again quite literally forced to stand together and play, but ultimately it was the songs lack of suitability for the occasion which left U2 the most confused I've ever seen them. With that in mind, I present:
U2 at Glastonbury 2011 - the alternate setlist (with no encore)
1. Vertigo
2. Beautiful Day
3. Gloria
4. I Will Follow
5. Desire
6. Elevation
7. New Years Day
8. All Because Of You
9. Out Of Control
10. Bad
11. One
12. All I Want Is You
13. Ultra Violet
14. In A Little While
15. Red Hill Mining Town
16. Where The Streets Have No Name
17. Pride (In The Name Of Love)
18. Magnificent
19. Discotheque
20. With Or Without You
21. 40
They had a chance to pull off something unique, to genuinely evoke the original spirit of a pre-corporate Glastonbury and come out fighting as a bare bones, back to basics punk band - a brand new outfit who somehow ended up with a Pyramid Stage headline slot and 34 years of hits behind them.
There were flashes of that spirit at times which is what made the show good, but not enough to make it great. What prevailed for me was a sense of a band who had no idea how to play to a festival crowd, and who've become used to playing for audiences who are perhaps too ready to idolise and indulge them.
There was so much more that could've been made of their 90 minutes on stage. Without the gigantatron staging of the ever rolling 360 tour, there was the nervous energy of a band once again quite literally forced to stand together and play, but ultimately it was the songs lack of suitability for the occasion which left U2 the most confused I've ever seen them. With that in mind, I present:
U2 at Glastonbury 2011 - the alternate setlist (with no encore)
1. Vertigo
2. Beautiful Day
3. Gloria
4. I Will Follow
5. Desire
6. Elevation
7. New Years Day
8. All Because Of You
9. Out Of Control
10. Bad
11. One
12. All I Want Is You
13. Ultra Violet
14. In A Little While
15. Red Hill Mining Town
16. Where The Streets Have No Name
17. Pride (In The Name Of Love)
18. Magnificent
19. Discotheque
20. With Or Without You
21. 40
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