Heather Mills has been appointed as the new England manager just hours before her relentless media exposure was due to come to an end.
According to reports, the former supermodel and motorcycle enthusiast is 'very excited' to demonstrate why footballers no longer care about their jobs and will begin preparations for England's upcoming defeat in the European Championship as early as next week.
FA chairman David Bernstein announced the decision, citing Mills' complete lack of footballing knowledge as a key factor:
Heather is absolutely the best man for the job. She loves money, she's addicted to publicity and best of all she has no loyalty to the sport or the fans whatsoever. Obviously we're disappointed she isn't foreign, but you can't have everything.
Friends say the new role couldn't have come at a better time for Mills, who has been surviving on just £10,000 per day after mugging Paul McCartney in broad daylight several years ago. She commented:
England have been completely shit at football since 1966, which is round about the same time I got the idea to fleece a fucking Beatle. It's obviously meant to be!
Mills' appointment is also the first to comply with new pitch regulations, bringing the total number of legs in the technical area at any one time down to 19.
Meanwhile Fabio Capello has shed light on his decision to quit the post, stating he got the idea last month after turning on the news to see an Italian man abandoning a sinking ship.
Thursday, 9 February 2012
Friday, 3 February 2012
The twenty (actual) saddest songs of all time
Earlier this week, The Telegraph published the results of it's poll about the twenty saddest songs of all time. I was appalled by the list for several reasons.
Firstly because the top song, Everybody Hurts, is not sad in the least - it is an uplifting tune about the strength of the human spirit, about, as the songs says, taking comfort in your friends and not being alone, even when you feel like you are. What is remotely sad about that?
Secondly, you CANNOT have a list of the saddest songs ever and feature the fucking Beatles and Celine Dion. The guys who wrote I Feel Fine and I Want To Hold Your Hand clearly no nothing about the extent of true misery - Yesterday, which appears on the list, was originally a song about scrambled eggs. Likewise with Mrs. Dion..the only thing sad about My Heart Will Go On is that it didn't go down with the rest of the ship. And, like the R.E.M. song before it, the message it carries is actually one of enduring hope.
Put simply, for the most part these are not sad songs
20. With Or Without You - U2
19. Save Me - Queen
18. Fire And Rain - James Taylor
17. A Woman Left Lonely - Janis Joplin
16. What Will You Say - Jeff Buckley
15. Sinead O'Connor - Last Day Of Our Acquaintance
14. You Never Wanted Me - Jackson Frank
13. Someone Saved My Life Tonight - Elton John
12. The Brilliant Dance - Dashboard Confessional
11. Don't Think Twice, It's Alright - Bob Dylan
10. Disintegration - The Cure
9. Unsatisfied - The Replacements
8. These Days - Jackson Browne
7. Empty - Ray Lamontagne
6. One Step Up - Bruce Springsteen
5. I See A Darkness - Johnny Cash (original by Will Oldham)
4. Friends - Ryan Adams
3. Crossing Muddy Waters - John Hiatt
2. River - Joni Mitchell
1. Asleep - The Smiths
If all this gloom has you weeping into your Nutrigrain wrapper please check out the blog of my friend Kate, who has reversed the polarity of my particular disposition to come up with the twenty happiest songs of all time
Firstly because the top song, Everybody Hurts, is not sad in the least - it is an uplifting tune about the strength of the human spirit, about, as the songs says, taking comfort in your friends and not being alone, even when you feel like you are. What is remotely sad about that?
Secondly, you CANNOT have a list of the saddest songs ever and feature the fucking Beatles and Celine Dion. The guys who wrote I Feel Fine and I Want To Hold Your Hand clearly no nothing about the extent of true misery - Yesterday, which appears on the list, was originally a song about scrambled eggs. Likewise with Mrs. Dion..the only thing sad about My Heart Will Go On is that it didn't go down with the rest of the ship. And, like the R.E.M. song before it, the message it carries is actually one of enduring hope.
Put simply, for the most part these are not sad songs
20. With Or Without You - U2
19. Save Me - Queen
18. Fire And Rain - James Taylor
17. A Woman Left Lonely - Janis Joplin
16. What Will You Say - Jeff Buckley
15. Sinead O'Connor - Last Day Of Our Acquaintance
14. You Never Wanted Me - Jackson Frank
13. Someone Saved My Life Tonight - Elton John
12. The Brilliant Dance - Dashboard Confessional
11. Don't Think Twice, It's Alright - Bob Dylan
10. Disintegration - The Cure
9. Unsatisfied - The Replacements
8. These Days - Jackson Browne
7. Empty - Ray Lamontagne
6. One Step Up - Bruce Springsteen
5. I See A Darkness - Johnny Cash (original by Will Oldham)
4. Friends - Ryan Adams
3. Crossing Muddy Waters - John Hiatt
2. River - Joni Mitchell
1. Asleep - The Smiths
If all this gloom has you weeping into your Nutrigrain wrapper please check out the blog of my friend Kate, who has reversed the polarity of my particular disposition to come up with the twenty happiest songs of all time
Thursday, 26 January 2012
Tasteful tabloid delights thousands with diversity scheme
Britain's most impartial and balanced newspaper has today spearheaded a national campaign to promote tolerance and equality by letting a severely disabled man pen one of it's lead articles.
Rod Liddle - whose brains are tragically missing - was allowed to write whatever he wanted, as long as it did not contain anything which could be mistaken for factual accuracy and any figures mentioned were plucked out of thin air. The paper's editor explained how the piece came about:
Rod has been a friend of ours for years. After David Cameron came and personally closed down the local community centre he goes to, he had nothing to do and lacked stimulation. Then one day I was chatting to him and he mentioned he's always loved inciting hatred and looking at pictures of tits, which is when I got the idea to let him write something for us. With our help, he constructed the article by cutting his favourite words out of various magazines. He then gave the words to a chimp, who later that afternoon picked them at random from a top hat. We did the rest.
Mr Liddle suffers from T.W.A.T., a progressive disorder which causes the front, back, and sidal lobes of the brain to collapse under the weight of their own ignorance. The skull is then hollowed out using a ladle, and packed with bubble wrap.
You can read the finished article here
Rod Liddle - whose brains are tragically missing - was allowed to write whatever he wanted, as long as it did not contain anything which could be mistaken for factual accuracy and any figures mentioned were plucked out of thin air. The paper's editor explained how the piece came about:
Rod has been a friend of ours for years. After David Cameron came and personally closed down the local community centre he goes to, he had nothing to do and lacked stimulation. Then one day I was chatting to him and he mentioned he's always loved inciting hatred and looking at pictures of tits, which is when I got the idea to let him write something for us. With our help, he constructed the article by cutting his favourite words out of various magazines. He then gave the words to a chimp, who later that afternoon picked them at random from a top hat. We did the rest.
Mr Liddle suffers from T.W.A.T., a progressive disorder which causes the front, back, and sidal lobes of the brain to collapse under the weight of their own ignorance. The skull is then hollowed out using a ladle, and packed with bubble wrap.
You can read the finished article here
Saturday, 7 January 2012
Brave Face For Cameron As Morals Clash With Job
David Cameron is set to undergo a gruelling schedule of shaking hands and saying things in a fresh attempt to make it look like he cares about something other than rich people.
The Prime Minister has promised to use the media to rail against his former school chums salaries until the next big budget natural disaster or celebrity sex feast makes everyone forget about it.
The bonuses - usually doled out in crisp, used fifties and given for things including correctly writing 'boobs' on a calculator and sitting quietly in the office until home time - were introduced as standard practice long before the Tories failed to win the last election and are generally seen as 'perfectly reasonable' by politicians who benefit from them financially.
Speaking outside Downing Street, where he was re-heating a pot noodle for Vince Cable, Mr Cameron explained:
The days ahead are going to be difficult for Britain as I really, really like bonuses and giving rich people money they don't need - especially close personal friends. But, if I go on Andrew Marr and phone up The Telegraph and say things like 'It needs sorting out' over and over, I'm pretty sure I can have you lot convinced by the time X Factor starts accepting applicants again.
Cameron, a reformed Moomin, is the first television actor to occupy the highest seat in Government since Meryl Streep fled the 1980's over 20 years ago. She has since been spotted in various films, including an Abba promo for assisted suicide and that Nazi one with all the crying.
The Prime Minister has promised to use the media to rail against his former school chums salaries until the next big budget natural disaster or celebrity sex feast makes everyone forget about it.
The bonuses - usually doled out in crisp, used fifties and given for things including correctly writing 'boobs' on a calculator and sitting quietly in the office until home time - were introduced as standard practice long before the Tories failed to win the last election and are generally seen as 'perfectly reasonable' by politicians who benefit from them financially.
Speaking outside Downing Street, where he was re-heating a pot noodle for Vince Cable, Mr Cameron explained:
The days ahead are going to be difficult for Britain as I really, really like bonuses and giving rich people money they don't need - especially close personal friends. But, if I go on Andrew Marr and phone up The Telegraph and say things like 'It needs sorting out' over and over, I'm pretty sure I can have you lot convinced by the time X Factor starts accepting applicants again.
Cameron, a reformed Moomin, is the first television actor to occupy the highest seat in Government since Meryl Streep fled the 1980's over 20 years ago. She has since been spotted in various films, including an Abba promo for assisted suicide and that Nazi one with all the crying.
Wednesday, 28 December 2011
Clegg 'moving to Bebo' in 2012
Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg has revealed he is tearfully close to shutting down his Facebook account in the new year and setting up a page on Bebo instead.
In his emotional Christmas message, the ashen faced millionaire defended the move as a reaction to the new Facebook Timeline and a dramatic drop in friend requests since 2010. Speaking from inside a disused steel mill in his recently abandoned constituency of Sheffield Hallam, he explained:
When I recorded this message last year I had so many Facebook friends I was reaching the limit, and getting new requests every day - even some from students I was openly planning to betray. Now when I scroll down the list there's just Thatcher and Paddy Ashdowns cat. It's time to move forward.
Mr Cleggs wife, who is Spanish and hotter than yours, then stepped in to describe how Bebo has a younger demographic than other social networking sites and therefore using it would make it 'much easier' for her husband to figure out how to really shaft the next generation.
After changing ties several times on camera and referring to the cataclysmic national hatred he now experiences - which has its own Myspace - the MP concluded:
I don't know why so many of you unfriended me. It's probably because I formed a massively unstable coalition with a completely unsuitable political party, created a moral vacuum, totally fucked up the country and greatly increased the chances of an actual apocalypse next year.
He then added: Is it that? Christ, you people are sensitive. I'm only trying to make more money.
In his emotional Christmas message, the ashen faced millionaire defended the move as a reaction to the new Facebook Timeline and a dramatic drop in friend requests since 2010. Speaking from inside a disused steel mill in his recently abandoned constituency of Sheffield Hallam, he explained:
When I recorded this message last year I had so many Facebook friends I was reaching the limit, and getting new requests every day - even some from students I was openly planning to betray. Now when I scroll down the list there's just Thatcher and Paddy Ashdowns cat. It's time to move forward.
Mr Cleggs wife, who is Spanish and hotter than yours, then stepped in to describe how Bebo has a younger demographic than other social networking sites and therefore using it would make it 'much easier' for her husband to figure out how to really shaft the next generation.
After changing ties several times on camera and referring to the cataclysmic national hatred he now experiences - which has its own Myspace - the MP concluded:
I don't know why so many of you unfriended me. It's probably because I formed a massively unstable coalition with a completely unsuitable political party, created a moral vacuum, totally fucked up the country and greatly increased the chances of an actual apocalypse next year.
He then added: Is it that? Christ, you people are sensitive. I'm only trying to make more money.
Sunday, 11 December 2011
Rich Cat To Sort Out Europe
An Italian moggy will use his newfound windfall to secure a place in the EU and railroad the fucking lot of them, it has emerged.
Tommasino, a third generation Mafia kingpin who inherited nearly £10 million after his owner got animals and humans mixed up, has insisted the time has finally come for suspiciously wealthy domestic pets to be given a voice in the political arena.
Speaking last night at the opening of a new tin of cat food, the former stray told reporters: ‘I’ve always wanted to go to a summit in Brussels and organise the whole thing properly, but it’s been either full up or I’ve not had the capital. Now I can just buy my way in’.
French President Nicolas Sarkozy welcomed the news, admitting that although they were trying really really hard, the member states had ‘literally no idea’ how to run a complex crime syndicate like The European Union effectively. It is hoped that the influence of Tommasino will help strengthen stability in key areas such as money laundering, extortion, and beating up countries you don’t like the look of.
The over ambitious feline has denied allegations of bribery, amid reports that he threatened to shit all over the new carpets in the lobby unless at least half of the members sign a treaty declaring Tony The Tiger the new God.
Meanwhile, David Cameron dramatically took Britain out of the EU on Thursday night after a five year old from Pontefract pointed out how he could destroy the country much faster by doing exactly the opposite of what is best for it.
Tommasino, a third generation Mafia kingpin who inherited nearly £10 million after his owner got animals and humans mixed up, has insisted the time has finally come for suspiciously wealthy domestic pets to be given a voice in the political arena.
Speaking last night at the opening of a new tin of cat food, the former stray told reporters: ‘I’ve always wanted to go to a summit in Brussels and organise the whole thing properly, but it’s been either full up or I’ve not had the capital. Now I can just buy my way in’.
French President Nicolas Sarkozy welcomed the news, admitting that although they were trying really really hard, the member states had ‘literally no idea’ how to run a complex crime syndicate like The European Union effectively. It is hoped that the influence of Tommasino will help strengthen stability in key areas such as money laundering, extortion, and beating up countries you don’t like the look of.
The over ambitious feline has denied allegations of bribery, amid reports that he threatened to shit all over the new carpets in the lobby unless at least half of the members sign a treaty declaring Tony The Tiger the new God.
Meanwhile, David Cameron dramatically took Britain out of the EU on Thursday night after a five year old from Pontefract pointed out how he could destroy the country much faster by doing exactly the opposite of what is best for it.
Saturday, 10 December 2011
Homeless lemur revealed as Reality TV reject
A lemur who was discovered sleeping rough on Tooting Common earlier this week has been outed as a former hopeful on Britain’s leading cultural extinction initiative.
Julien King - who was found at 3am on Tuesday morning by a local resident engaging in completely legal activities - was at first thought to be evening wear accidentally discarded by the wife of Prime Minister David Cameron. It was later confirmed by paramedics that the delusional primate had been living on the streets for some time after failing to secure a spot on the X Factor live final.
Mark Bossley, head of the Immigration Department at Blue Cross animal hospital, said ‘When they first brought him in I thought it was just another typical midweek customer, you know. A fox who’d overdone it on a stag do, or maybe a badger on crack pissing around with glitter and spray paint. We get a lot of that at Christmas. It wasn’t ‘til I saw him practising vocal scales on a Fisher Price miniature keyboard that I recognised him from the boot camp bit on telly and realised who we were dealing with’.
Louis Walsh, who is one of the X Factors main judges and the highest paid Leprechaun on television, issued the following statement on behalf of the show:
We’re deeply saddened to hear about Julien and remember him with great affection. As soon as he came into the audition process there was something different about him, he was original, there was that spark of real talent there. So obviously he had to immediately leave the competition. We kept his voting line open for a few weeks afterwards though, which paid for my new car.
Mr King is now recovering at Do You Know What It Is Yet, the rehab clinic founded by Rolf Harris which caters exclusively for animals most people have never heard of. He is reportedly considering a career advertising insurance. Meanwhile, tabloid articles claiming he can regularly be found cruising Wimbledon Common for oral sex with a Womble have been dismissed as ‘pure speculation‘ by a solicitor.
The X Factor final will be broadcast live this weekend from the London Horrordome, and is expected to be barely tolerated by over half a billion people.
Julien King - who was found at 3am on Tuesday morning by a local resident engaging in completely legal activities - was at first thought to be evening wear accidentally discarded by the wife of Prime Minister David Cameron. It was later confirmed by paramedics that the delusional primate had been living on the streets for some time after failing to secure a spot on the X Factor live final.
Mark Bossley, head of the Immigration Department at Blue Cross animal hospital, said ‘When they first brought him in I thought it was just another typical midweek customer, you know. A fox who’d overdone it on a stag do, or maybe a badger on crack pissing around with glitter and spray paint. We get a lot of that at Christmas. It wasn’t ‘til I saw him practising vocal scales on a Fisher Price miniature keyboard that I recognised him from the boot camp bit on telly and realised who we were dealing with’.
Louis Walsh, who is one of the X Factors main judges and the highest paid Leprechaun on television, issued the following statement on behalf of the show:
We’re deeply saddened to hear about Julien and remember him with great affection. As soon as he came into the audition process there was something different about him, he was original, there was that spark of real talent there. So obviously he had to immediately leave the competition. We kept his voting line open for a few weeks afterwards though, which paid for my new car.
Mr King is now recovering at Do You Know What It Is Yet, the rehab clinic founded by Rolf Harris which caters exclusively for animals most people have never heard of. He is reportedly considering a career advertising insurance. Meanwhile, tabloid articles claiming he can regularly be found cruising Wimbledon Common for oral sex with a Womble have been dismissed as ‘pure speculation‘ by a solicitor.
The X Factor final will be broadcast live this weekend from the London Horrordome, and is expected to be barely tolerated by over half a billion people.
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