Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg has revealed he is tearfully close to shutting down his Facebook account in the new year and setting up a page on Bebo instead.
In his emotional Christmas message, the ashen faced millionaire defended the move as a reaction to the new Facebook Timeline and a dramatic drop in friend requests since 2010. Speaking from inside a disused steel mill in his recently abandoned constituency of Sheffield Hallam, he explained:
When I recorded this message last year I had so many Facebook friends I was reaching the limit, and getting new requests every day - even some from students I was openly planning to betray. Now when I scroll down the list there's just Thatcher and Paddy Ashdowns cat. It's time to move forward.
Mr Cleggs wife, who is Spanish and hotter than yours, then stepped in to describe how Bebo has a younger demographic than other social networking sites and therefore using it would make it 'much easier' for her husband to figure out how to really shaft the next generation.
After changing ties several times on camera and referring to the cataclysmic national hatred he now experiences - which has its own Myspace - the MP concluded:
I don't know why so many of you unfriended me. It's probably because I formed a massively unstable coalition with a completely unsuitable political party, created a moral vacuum, totally fucked up the country and greatly increased the chances of an actual apocalypse next year.
He then added: Is it that? Christ, you people are sensitive. I'm only trying to make more money.
Wednesday 28 December 2011
Sunday 11 December 2011
Rich Cat To Sort Out Europe
An Italian moggy will use his newfound windfall to secure a place in the EU and railroad the fucking lot of them, it has emerged.
Tommasino, a third generation Mafia kingpin who inherited nearly £10 million after his owner got animals and humans mixed up, has insisted the time has finally come for suspiciously wealthy domestic pets to be given a voice in the political arena.
Speaking last night at the opening of a new tin of cat food, the former stray told reporters: ‘I’ve always wanted to go to a summit in Brussels and organise the whole thing properly, but it’s been either full up or I’ve not had the capital. Now I can just buy my way in’.
French President Nicolas Sarkozy welcomed the news, admitting that although they were trying really really hard, the member states had ‘literally no idea’ how to run a complex crime syndicate like The European Union effectively. It is hoped that the influence of Tommasino will help strengthen stability in key areas such as money laundering, extortion, and beating up countries you don’t like the look of.
The over ambitious feline has denied allegations of bribery, amid reports that he threatened to shit all over the new carpets in the lobby unless at least half of the members sign a treaty declaring Tony The Tiger the new God.
Meanwhile, David Cameron dramatically took Britain out of the EU on Thursday night after a five year old from Pontefract pointed out how he could destroy the country much faster by doing exactly the opposite of what is best for it.
Tommasino, a third generation Mafia kingpin who inherited nearly £10 million after his owner got animals and humans mixed up, has insisted the time has finally come for suspiciously wealthy domestic pets to be given a voice in the political arena.
Speaking last night at the opening of a new tin of cat food, the former stray told reporters: ‘I’ve always wanted to go to a summit in Brussels and organise the whole thing properly, but it’s been either full up or I’ve not had the capital. Now I can just buy my way in’.
French President Nicolas Sarkozy welcomed the news, admitting that although they were trying really really hard, the member states had ‘literally no idea’ how to run a complex crime syndicate like The European Union effectively. It is hoped that the influence of Tommasino will help strengthen stability in key areas such as money laundering, extortion, and beating up countries you don’t like the look of.
The over ambitious feline has denied allegations of bribery, amid reports that he threatened to shit all over the new carpets in the lobby unless at least half of the members sign a treaty declaring Tony The Tiger the new God.
Meanwhile, David Cameron dramatically took Britain out of the EU on Thursday night after a five year old from Pontefract pointed out how he could destroy the country much faster by doing exactly the opposite of what is best for it.
Saturday 10 December 2011
Homeless lemur revealed as Reality TV reject
A lemur who was discovered sleeping rough on Tooting Common earlier this week has been outed as a former hopeful on Britain’s leading cultural extinction initiative.
Julien King - who was found at 3am on Tuesday morning by a local resident engaging in completely legal activities - was at first thought to be evening wear accidentally discarded by the wife of Prime Minister David Cameron. It was later confirmed by paramedics that the delusional primate had been living on the streets for some time after failing to secure a spot on the X Factor live final.
Mark Bossley, head of the Immigration Department at Blue Cross animal hospital, said ‘When they first brought him in I thought it was just another typical midweek customer, you know. A fox who’d overdone it on a stag do, or maybe a badger on crack pissing around with glitter and spray paint. We get a lot of that at Christmas. It wasn’t ‘til I saw him practising vocal scales on a Fisher Price miniature keyboard that I recognised him from the boot camp bit on telly and realised who we were dealing with’.
Louis Walsh, who is one of the X Factors main judges and the highest paid Leprechaun on television, issued the following statement on behalf of the show:
We’re deeply saddened to hear about Julien and remember him with great affection. As soon as he came into the audition process there was something different about him, he was original, there was that spark of real talent there. So obviously he had to immediately leave the competition. We kept his voting line open for a few weeks afterwards though, which paid for my new car.
Mr King is now recovering at Do You Know What It Is Yet, the rehab clinic founded by Rolf Harris which caters exclusively for animals most people have never heard of. He is reportedly considering a career advertising insurance. Meanwhile, tabloid articles claiming he can regularly be found cruising Wimbledon Common for oral sex with a Womble have been dismissed as ‘pure speculation‘ by a solicitor.
The X Factor final will be broadcast live this weekend from the London Horrordome, and is expected to be barely tolerated by over half a billion people.
Julien King - who was found at 3am on Tuesday morning by a local resident engaging in completely legal activities - was at first thought to be evening wear accidentally discarded by the wife of Prime Minister David Cameron. It was later confirmed by paramedics that the delusional primate had been living on the streets for some time after failing to secure a spot on the X Factor live final.
Mark Bossley, head of the Immigration Department at Blue Cross animal hospital, said ‘When they first brought him in I thought it was just another typical midweek customer, you know. A fox who’d overdone it on a stag do, or maybe a badger on crack pissing around with glitter and spray paint. We get a lot of that at Christmas. It wasn’t ‘til I saw him practising vocal scales on a Fisher Price miniature keyboard that I recognised him from the boot camp bit on telly and realised who we were dealing with’.
Louis Walsh, who is one of the X Factors main judges and the highest paid Leprechaun on television, issued the following statement on behalf of the show:
We’re deeply saddened to hear about Julien and remember him with great affection. As soon as he came into the audition process there was something different about him, he was original, there was that spark of real talent there. So obviously he had to immediately leave the competition. We kept his voting line open for a few weeks afterwards though, which paid for my new car.
Mr King is now recovering at Do You Know What It Is Yet, the rehab clinic founded by Rolf Harris which caters exclusively for animals most people have never heard of. He is reportedly considering a career advertising insurance. Meanwhile, tabloid articles claiming he can regularly be found cruising Wimbledon Common for oral sex with a Womble have been dismissed as ‘pure speculation‘ by a solicitor.
The X Factor final will be broadcast live this weekend from the London Horrordome, and is expected to be barely tolerated by over half a billion people.
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