A lemur who was discovered sleeping rough on Tooting Common earlier this week has been outed as a former hopeful on Britain’s leading cultural extinction initiative.
Julien King - who was found at 3am on Tuesday morning by a local resident engaging in completely legal activities - was at first thought to be evening wear accidentally discarded by the wife of Prime Minister David Cameron. It was later confirmed by paramedics that the delusional primate had been living on the streets for some time after failing to secure a spot on the X Factor live final.
Mark Bossley, head of the Immigration Department at Blue Cross animal hospital, said ‘When they first brought him in I thought it was just another typical midweek customer, you know. A fox who’d overdone it on a stag do, or maybe a badger on crack pissing around with glitter and spray paint. We get a lot of that at Christmas. It wasn’t ‘til I saw him practising vocal scales on a Fisher Price miniature keyboard that I recognised him from the boot camp bit on telly and realised who we were dealing with’.
Louis Walsh, who is one of the X Factors main judges and the highest paid Leprechaun on television, issued the following statement on behalf of the show:
We’re deeply saddened to hear about Julien and remember him with great affection. As soon as he came into the audition process there was something different about him, he was original, there was that spark of real talent there. So obviously he had to immediately leave the competition. We kept his voting line open for a few weeks afterwards though, which paid for my new car.
Mr King is now recovering at Do You Know What It Is Yet, the rehab clinic founded by Rolf Harris which caters exclusively for animals most people have never heard of. He is reportedly considering a career advertising insurance. Meanwhile, tabloid articles claiming he can regularly be found cruising Wimbledon Common for oral sex with a Womble have been dismissed as ‘pure speculation‘ by a solicitor.
The X Factor final will be broadcast live this weekend from the London Horrordome, and is expected to be barely tolerated by over half a billion people.
