Horse breaks silence on years of depression

A horse who has frequented pubs and clubs for almost twenty years refusing to make small talk has finally opened up about his debilitating low mood.

The horse - known only as Clip Clop - has been sensationally outed as a corporate stooge for the rich and famous, after the Metropolitan Police left top secret documents in the hands of James Murdoch on the same day The Sun on Sunday needed a front page story.

The controversial papers detailed the practice of loaning adorable animals to figures in the public eye who are experiencing a media backlash. The process - often referred to as 'chumming up' - is a damage limitation exercise used to boost publicity, and can see those involved paying thousands of pounds a time for the privilege.

Now Clip Clop has revealed the darker side of this relatively unknown world, and the often devastating consequences:

You go where you're needed, and it's fun at first. They stroke you a bit, tell you all their troubles, that sort of thing. You feel good. But then it just starts to get on your nerves when it's all day and all night. And they take out super-injunctions so you can't repeat any of it. I'd go into a bar, and every night it would be 'Why the long face?'I wanted to say, 'You'd have a fucking long face too if you'd worked with Jeremy Clarkson for seven years and gone through three divorces with Phil Collins!' But I couldn't tell anyone so I'd just keep drinking. It was a downward spiral.

This is not the first time News International has used chumming up to stem the flow of negative publicity - in 2003, Robbie Williams was pictured riding a hippo in his local Tesco, while in 1995 Stephen Fry had a mental breakdown and stayed with kittens wearing mittens for six weeks in the south of France.

When asked to comment on today's fresh revelations and his time with former Sun editor Rebekah Brooks, Clip Clop replied: Fucking hell. She said she was Mick Hucknall.

Heather Mills revealed as new England manager

Heather Mills has been appointed as the new England manager just hours before her relentless media exposure was due to come to an end.

According to reports, the former supermodel and motorcycle enthusiast is 'very excited' to demonstrate why footballers no longer care about their jobs and will begin preparations for England's upcoming defeat in the European Championship as early as next week.

FA chairman David Bernstein announced the decision, citing Mills' complete lack of footballing knowledge as a key factor:

Heather is absolutely the best man for the job. She loves money, she's addicted to publicity and best of all she has no loyalty to the sport or the fans whatsoever. Obviously we're disappointed she isn't foreign, but you can't have everything.

Friends say the new role couldn't have come at a better time for Mills, who has been surviving on just £10,000 per day after mugging Paul McCartney in broad daylight several years ago. She commented:

England have been completely shit at football since 1966, which is round about the same time I got the idea to fleece a fucking Beatle. It's obviously meant to be!

Mills' appointment is also the first to comply with new pitch regulations, bringing the total number of legs in the technical area at any one time down to 19.

Meanwhile Fabio Capello has shed light on his decision to quit the post, stating he got the idea last month after turning on the news to see an Italian man abandoning a sinking ship.

The twenty (actual) saddest songs of all time

Earlier this week, The Telegraph published the results of it's poll about the twenty saddest songs of all time. I was appalled by the list for several reasons.

Firstly because the top song, Everybody Hurts, is not sad in the least - it is an uplifting tune about the strength of the human spirit, about, as the songs says, taking comfort in your friends and not being alone, even when you feel like you are. What is remotely sad about that?

Secondly, you CANNOT have a list of the saddest songs ever and feature the fucking Beatles and Celine Dion. The guys who wrote I Feel Fine and I Want To Hold Your Hand clearly no nothing about the extent of true misery - Yesterday, which appears on the list, was originally a song about scrambled eggs. Likewise with Mrs. Dion..the only thing sad about My Heart Will Go On is that it didn't go down with the rest of the ship. And, like the R.E.M. song before it, the message it carries is actually one of enduring hope.

Put simply, for the most part these are not sad songs and with that in mind, I present my alternative selection of the twenty saddest songs of all time:


20. With Or Without You - U2



19. Save Me - Queen



18. Fire And Rain - James Taylor



17. A Woman Left Lonely - Janis Joplin



16. What Will You Say - Jeff Buckley



15. Sinead O'Connor - Last Day Of Our Acquaintance



14. You Never Wanted Me - Jackson Frank



13. Someone Saved My Life Tonight - Elton John



12. The Brilliant Dance - Dashboard Confessional



11. Don't Think Twice, It's Alright - Bob Dylan



10. Disintegration - The Cure



9. Unsatisfied - The Replacements



8. These Days - Jackson Browne



7. Empty - Ray Lamontagne



6. One Step Up - Bruce Springsteen



5. I See A Darkness - Johnny Cash (original by Will Oldham)



4. Friends - Ryan Adams



3. Crossing Muddy Waters - John Hiatt



2. River - Joni Mitchell



1. Asleep - The Smiths




If all this gloom has you weeping into your Nutrigrain wrapper please check out the blog of my friend Kate, who has reversed the polarity of my particular disposition to come up with the twenty happiest songs of all time